The Other Woman - a different point of view
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I've read quite a few great hubs and comments on the subject of extramarital affairs, cheating husbands and being the Other Woman. Yet many times the theory remains theory and it is really hard to apply the rules when it hits you.
Hello. My online name is IrisMiranda and I'm the Other Woman. The irony of my life experience is that a few years ago my partner of 13 years left me for a young and pretty bimbo. In spite of the rules outlined in many hubs and comments, we had a very constructive, fruitful and really strong intellectual relationship. We became wealthy together, we helped each other fulfilling our hobby-projects, we weren't couch potatoes, he always held my hand when we went for a stroll, we snuggled and kissed. Our sex life was quite miserable but it was him and never me. I tried everything and anything. Trying to dig into the subject, I received from him a silent face, usually him getting out of the room. At some point I assumed that he had problems with his potency and he was ashamed. I stopped insisting only to spare him the awkward feeling of not being able to perform.
But here we go, one day, totally out of the blue, he left me, because of Ms.Pretty Bimbo. Love struck, I was told. Of course it hurt. It hurt horribly much. It hurt even not as much because he was in love with someone else, but because he didn't even know her full name or her date of birth. He was trading up our long relationship for someone he hardly knew. I felt betrayed, more than cheated. I felt stupid - the man who I thought was just not capable of having sex, has been cheating on me. I felt stupid for having been faithful to him. I felt stupid by realizing after 13 years that I was a great friend and partner, but I just was not his type. Anyway, he always bought records by their cover - I should have seen this coming... But wounds heal somehow with time and life went on.
And here I am now, being in something like a relationship with a man who's been married for 22 years with kids of 20 and 15. I don't think I'm prettier than his wife, I'm even older than she is. There must be some void I must be filling, otherwise he wouldn't be seeking contact with me. If it is loneliness, lack of communication or worn-out sex life - that's his problem. I frankly don't want to know. I'm not a medicine for his marital problems.
He is a very good father and husband and (no matter how it will sound), he is a highly responsible person.
- We both know that our "relationship" is a dead-end street:
++ I can't build my happiness on somebody's unhappiness.
++ He cannot betray his family - his wife stayed at home to bring up the kids while he made a very successful career. Perhaps he grew while she stayed at home.
- I'm as concerned as he is, that it remains a secret, not shared by anyone but us.
- I never let him pay my bills the times when we are together, nor I let him buy me presents or pay for the phone calls. I don't want him to take away money from his family and pour it into our relationship, no matter if it is 5 or 5000 dollars.
We live ca. 1500 miles away from each other, so we meet seldom - 3 to 4 times a year. No weekends together, no after work drinks, no vacations together. We talk sometimes on the phone, but our main contact is online, usually after midnight. I take away some of his time allocated for sleep...
The longest we've been together till now were 72 hours. And believe it or not, these 3 days were worth more than the hundreds of days of being together with whoever else.
What we do is wrong, we both know it and we both deal with our corresponding feeling of guilt. We tried once to break it off and for three months we were both miserable and lonely.
So, what now?
I can't consider myself a home-wrecker or a whore (as stated in many of the hubs/comments here). I don't see it as "stealing" - we give each other what we miss in our day-to-day life. It is nice to hear that you are loved and appreciated, it is nice to know that someone somewhere thinks of you, it is great to hear the words you were about to pronounce a second ago, it is amazing to dance in these moments of a fairy tale. The sparks between us are something we never experienced before. I can speak only for myself here (as I'm writing this by myself) - at least I haven't experienced this kind of feelings till now and I'm a grown up girl, who has seen quite a lot in this life.
Call in love if you want. Call it, if you want, a perfect universe made of two. Call it bad timing if you want - we are to each other the person we always wanted to have.
And, yes, I know, if we were to get together, things would change (I already have a long marriage behind my back). I know life changes with the chores and the day-to-day living with someone. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I appreciate each
Is it better to be faithful and miserable (alone or in a marriage) than to have a spark that drives you, makes you smile and keeps you going?
Is it better to have the essence of a relationship in a few moments or to live in a "bearable" or so-so relationship just for the sake of not being alone.
Up to what point the rules apply?
I think each story is different and things are never only black or white. There are shades and other colors in between and this is the richness of the life.
And after all, who said that life is fair?...
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Put yourself in her place and how you felt when he left you for another woman. So your paying back who he who left or doing the same thing to another woman that was done to you. Its just wrong and you should just find a single man of your own. If it were me I would break it off because you know as well as I do its wrong and its not fair to his wife.
I enjoyed your hub and I understand your point/points. I’ve been the ‘other women’ for 5 years. I’m married to a wonderful man that I love very much and he’s married to what he says his is soul mate. We started out as work friends. The friendship grew stronger and developed into something more. The physical connection that we have is incredible. When I’m with him I don’t think about anything, it’s like the world stops for a while.
It’s strange because we are both very strong willed but for some reason we can’t end this relationship. I haven’t worked with him in 3 ½ years and about 2 years ago my husband found out about the affair. That caused us to stop for a while but we kept in touch through email. A year went by before we were physical again. Since then it’s been on and off. I see him about once a week or once every two weeks but we email every day during work hours. We don’t talk on the phone much and don’t have cell numbers or anything like that. In my heart I know it’s wrong and I don’t want to lose my husband or for him to lose his wife. It’s the hardest thing to try to understand let alone explain.
Lately I’ve been feeling like it needs to end but I’m so afraid of losing his friendship. Through reading other articles I think I’ve figured out that we have the worst kind of affair…it’s emotional. The physical part is just a bonus.
Dear Qeyler,
your comment was really comforting. We all know that the fairy tales don't last more than a few pages... :)
Author Cheryl,
Of course I put myself in her shoes. Why do you think I´m so concerned. I don´t want to build my happiness on somebody elses´ unhappiness.
We all know that it is wrong... But on the other hand, what we give each other makes us happy.
I posed some questions on the hub... Do you have the answers? I don´t.
Dear Debbie06,
I felt so identified with your story. Your situation is even more complicated than mine, because I've no attachments right now.
But you said it : the physical part is just a bonus and when we are together it´s like the whole world stops for a while. We are the masters of the world... For the time being... It´ll end one day, I know it for sure. But while it lasts its damn good.
Yes I think anyone could answer this question and say break it off because just because what your doing for tht little amount of time is bringing you happiness, you are causing possible unhappiness to another. Although I really blame him because you can only do what he will let you my thought here is that why would you want to be someone else's left overs because in all reality that is just what you are. Women who respect themselves dont need someone else's husband to be happy they find it with someone else who is single. If he is seeing you a few times a year I guarantee he is seeing someone else inbetween the times he is not seeing you. My suggestion whether you take it or not is to break it off, find your lost morals, self respect, and knowledge that you deserve more and to be treated better than someone else's one night stand. At least if your gonna be a one or two night stand a couple months out of the year, then you might as well go all the way and take his money too why not you have taken him from his wife so why care about taking his money. I don't understand why women these days feel the need to not want better for themselves. A few hours of happiness is worth losing your self respect, dignity, and morals. I think not. Rethink what your doing you deserve so much more.
Author Cheryl –
There is no simple answer and everyone’s situation is different. The man’s marriage may be better because he has an outlet and someone to confide in. Saying to break if off so IrisMiranda can find her self-respect and lost morals is ignorant. I don’t believe she has lost any respect for herself. She is a grown woman that has been on the other side, there is sometimes no explanation for what we do. Her question about whether it is ‘better to be faithful and miserable (alone or in a marriage) than to have a spark that drives you, makes you smile and keeps you going?’ is a legitimate question for anyone to ask themselves. I’ve been married for 21 years and I have two amazing kids, my ‘friend’ has been married for 17 years and has 2 step daughters, we both know we’ll never leave our spouses and have a happily ever life together. We give each other what our spouses can’t, I’m not sure what it is because I love my husband and have a very active physical relationship with him but for some reason I can’t give up my friend. As with IrisMiranda’s relationship it will end someday, hopefully not badly for anyone, and we might both look back and say why did I do that for so long or look back and smile because it’s an experience that will always have a special place in our hearts.
Taking his money and or his wife is when she will lose respect for herself.
Dear Author Cheryl,
Debbie06 said pretty much everything I wanted to say. There’s only this, I’d like to ad -
- Emotions don’t appear and disappear with a click of your fingers.
You can’t just point your finger at someone and decide “I’m going to love this one”.
You can’t order your heart not to love someone.
And it is even harder to order yourself to go away if you both realize that you’ve never experienced these feeling in such depth with anyone else before. It is like holding a beautiful diamond in your hand. It isn’t leftovers, it is the essence of a perfume – little but incredibly strong.
- I do respect myself – I can’t blame myself for our mutual feelings. They help us put up with our day-to-day life and wake up with a smile. For the time being, at least.
- I do respect myself – I’m concerned as much as he is that we keep these feelings only for ourselves.
- I do respect myself – I don’t let him spend a dollar on our relationship – his money belongs to his family. One could blame his partner that he bought you a drink.
Can you blame someone that he’s fallen in love?
I certainly couldn’t do that with my ex. I couldn’t blame him that he had feelings for someone who wasn’t me. It wouldn’t be honest and fair.
I blamed him for them having sex in my own bed while I was working my ass off for our mutual wealth. I blamed him for taking pictures of her lying naked on my gorgeous Ralph Lauren bed sheets. This, I think, means lost morals and self respect…
Nothing is only black or only white.
And PS - Dictionaries define “one night stand” as “hooking up with someone for one night of sex with no strings attached and with no intentions to see them again”. I think the difference is more than clear.
You say that he loves you but does he really? A man that loves a woman wants to be with them always and not stay with his wife. His outlet as you call is a pure way of getting his load off because her probably isnt getting it at home and just like author cheryl said he is probably doing it not only with you but with others as well leaving you as left overs. Yes we can pick who we fall in love with because when you originally found out he was married you chose to keep it going instead of breaking it off. I think in some way your trying to pay back the one that did it to you. Having morals is respecting others and you continuing to sleep with someone else's husband is not having morals or values or respect for yourself or her. You love someone you see four times a year??? If his wife found out you would be the homewrecker and how would tht make you feel knowing you had it done to you. Its not about what your ex did to you its what your doing to someone else's wife. Why cant you find someone of your own? Is it that difficult? If it were my husband and I read this I would surely blame you because your atiment that your not willing to leave him alone. You have no right to someone else's husband and should be ashamed of yourself for even continuing it on. Its not about him finding an outlet its about you keeping yourself in check. I dont know why you thought it was right to write a hub about your own infidelity that just shows that you will go to any length to make your affair public and maybe hope she would read it and think could that be my husband. This should have been kept to yourself. Hub pages is not about posting your dirty laundry its about writing meaningful articles for an audience not writing about how trashy your life is. Voting down all the way. And yes you need to get some self respect its not about your ex sleeping on your Ralph Lauren sheets its about you sleeping with some other man on your Ralph Lauren sheets now.
Anonymous,
Your comment made me laugh so many times, so I decided to keep it just for the sake of its absurdity.
Reading my hub you read what you wanted to read:
- You didn’t read that we both know that what we’re doing is wrong and that we both are dealing with our corresponding feelings of guilt.
- You don’t read that we both know that our relationship is a dead-end street.
- You don’t read that we are both very concerned and want to keep this experience only for ourselves.
- You don’t read that the tenderness and sexual/emotional/intellectual closeness we experience is something we’ve never experienced before with anybody else.
- You don’t read the whole point of the hub:
++ Is it better to be faithful and miserable (alone or in a marriage) than to have a spark that drives you, makes you smile and keeps you going?
++ Is it better to have the essence of a relationship in a few moments or to live in a "bearable" or so-so relationship just for the sake of not being alone?
++ Up to what point the rules apply?
The whole point of this hub, dear Anonymous, was that we are all human beings. And no matter that we know what’s wrong and what’s right; when it strikes us we realize that nothing is only black or white. I can guarantee you that if this happens to you tomorrow, you’ll be exactly as confused as I am, and no matter what rules you’ve considered as right, you’ll break all of them. Because you’ll be feeling happy and not miserable and this would be what you’d be concerned about. Not the rules.
What you read in my Hub was: This MF bitch is cheating, and she might be as well cheating with someone like my husband.
Now let’s bark at her and let’s crucify her.
Not only that you read what you wanted, but you made empty assumptions totally out of the context:
- The guy cheats also on me
- How come that he loves me if we meet only a few times a year
- You don’t want his wife to be hurt but you ask, how come that he hasn’t left his wife if he loved me (???!!!!???? the logic of this one is really par excellence)
- I’m publishing this hub to make his wife know about the affair
- You assume that his wife speaks English, reads exactly this particular Hub and recognizes my gorgeous pin-up picture (certainly not from the times when I was young)
- You assume that this experience is real (where it could be as well that I happen to write a book on the subject and I want to check out the response of the public)
- You even give it for sure that I’m a woman (what about if I were a man, just telling the story and changing the gender)
- I could give you some more assumptions that aren’t in the story – that I made a testament leaving everything to his kids after I die and a lot of so on and so forth…
You assume the movie (or better said, the reality show) you made up in your own head. Nothing to do with the content of this Hub. And talking about movies, there are a lot of them treating the subject of the shades between what’s right and what’s wrong. Keeping it close to the subject of cheating, I’ll name only two classics, which if you haven’t seen yet, you might find interesting to judge and trash - Casablanca and The Bridges Of Madison County.
It is easy to bark and insult. Actually this is the easiest thing. A bit more difficult is to have enough empathy, psychology and life experience to understand and to be able to dissect and analyze the subject by itself.
I can publish anything I’d like to – there’s still the right of free expression. Content that makes you think is always good, no matter if it is politically correct or not. Content should not be a flat 2D. Content should be like life itself – controversial and hard. And if you consider it trash – it is up to you to stay and read it or leave. Obviously you read it. Do you want to tell me you like trash?
I’m also glad that the times of the Santa Inquisition and the witch-hunt are gone long ago. God forbid that you got elected for a Jury trial one day – anyone could be hanged just because you couldn’t see the whole picture, or because he was black or gay, or because you didn’t happen to like her tatoos.
And PS : I´ll keep posting new Hubs. Controversial, that make you think.
qeyler Level 4 Commenter 5 months ago
I read your hub. You know and I know that you know, this is going to end badly. However, I know that right now you're filling particular needs.
What you and your man have to do is make sure his wife doesn't find out.
I know this sounds terrible coming from me (considering I write a lot of hubs on the subject) but make sure that, for example, you use safe names and avatars and other words so that if accidentally his wife logs on she's see Mortak writing to Worf about gagh on a Klingon site.
I know what devastated you in your marriage was being so totally fooled, unaware, stupid as you put it.
Although what you and he has is more emotional and intellectual, 'soul mate' style, with a bit of sex to make it real, it works as almost a fairy tale.
Keep it from leaving Neverland and it will last for a long enough time...